Assassins!

So I recently finished playing a game of assassins at my workplace. If you don't know what this game is then check this link here.Staff are given the option to opt out before the game begins, otherwise it is assumed you are playing. You arrive on a Monday morning with a note telling you who your 'mark' is. Along with one clothes peg. This is your weapon. Should you succeed in getting this peg on your mark, they are out of the game and must tell you who they are hunting down, this continues until the end of the week. At that point prizes are given for those still 'alive' and those with the most 'kills'.

I didn't play last year as I helped plan the game so this year was my debut. I am happy to say I survived until the last day and got into the final four alive. Unfortunately, I let my guard down in the last fifteen minutes of the game to be taken out. 

Four kills!

Why am I writing about this on my budo blog? Well, interesting thing. In the past I have suffered from anxiety and anger management problems. Due to the paranoia the game creates, my colleague asked how my anxiety was going while the game was running. I had nothing! I was wired, excited and loving every minute!  So why wasn't I feeling the panic and paranoia that some of the others were?

I have had counselling for both anger issues and anxiety and what I have discovered is that I have a reactive personality. So I respond to perceived threats quickly. Now, in the everyday life of work and family these threats are really just perceived. Not actual life threatening situations. They are also over a long period of time (chronic) and my physiology is trying to respond to these threats and anxiety is often the result. While the game was running, the threats were real. I had to watch my back or I would get 'pegged'. I also had to be vigilant and scheme to get my targets. I had to take moments when I saw vulnerability and commit fully in that moment. Three out of my four 'kills' involved acting in a moment of my target's weakness. Opportunistic almost. All my normal nervous energy was given purpose. I had never felt so stable and mentally sharp. My colleague (the one that asked about my anxiety) made an observation. She said that there must obviously be a genetic component to anxiety, depression etc. and that it must have been useful to have this 'reactivity' (let's call it that) in times of war and disaster. The problem is when the real threats go away generations later, those born with this reactivity don't function well in peaceful times. She knows of one family that has had both sons of that family attempt suicide, one succeeded and the other one did just enough damage (hanging) to starve his brain of oxygen and he now needs full care to get by. This is an example of it being 'in the family'.

But here is the kicker. All of a sudden her observation made me feel normal. I want you to understand what that means. I hated myself for when I had anger management problems. I was confused as to why I would have anxiety attacks over things when under chronic stress. Now, this make more sense. I could forgive myself a little. For that week of assassins, I was totally in my element!  I enjoyed the hyper vigilance and the fact every action during the day mattered. All my energy was being channelled into purposeful behaviour and I felt great!

Two things I can take away from the game that relate to budo. 

1. The predator mindset was invaluable to being successful in this game. The constant pressing of your target until they made a mistake was very important. 

2. The reason I choose to practice budo other than other physical pursuits is because it gives me a small experience of consequences really mattering. Move wrong and you could get hit in the head with a bokken. Lose focus and you can stab yourself with your habikito. My physiology needs this to function at a normal level or weird things happen (like anxiety attacks). 

Keep training!